and wondering how the hell i could still be "depressed" or anxious or anything else. but it seems they are only enough to protect against the major breakdowns. i am back to that low grade hell.
i am sure most of it is due to my lackadaisical attitude towards meds these days. not quite taking them on schedule.
and today is the gyn day. the day i am forced to sit in a room full of pregnant women. floods of memories and longings. floods of anxieties and fears. i love my gyn but i think i am going to switch to a non-ob office.
everything seems so purposeless right now.
2 comments:
It's hard to be in a place that brings up so many negative memories and feelings. Perhaps you could make your appointment the last appointment of the day so that it won't be a room full of pregnant ladies. Otherwise a change would probably be a good idea.
Hugs
Polar B.
Yes PB I think you have thrown me a nugget of wisdom there.
it is not only the memories of the pregnancies but the fact that if i had been able to see this dr. rather than having to switch becuase of managed healthcare and circumstances, then i believe I might actually have that child today. She could have gotten me thru both the physical and emotional crisis of the pregnancy.
i sometimes think that if i had a child i would have a reason to fight to live, someone i did truly OWE it to to survive because they did not ask/choose to be here.
but i still believe given where i was and not having the help availble i ahve today, the risk for the child was too high. i made the best decision, not the right one, but the best one.
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