the world's fastest rollercoaster is back

i left for work this morning feeling like i w3ante to just drive my car into a wall.

I have come home for lunch flying on high. maybe its because there is a job available in my company at a different job site that is more what i love to do, fewer hours (but still FT w/benefits) and THE SAME FUCKING $$$$ I AM BEING PAID NOW!

so yesterday I went in to my boss' office for our mandatory weekly "you aren't going to freak out at work again are you?' meeting. I refused to make eye contact and just sat doodling. she then tried to chit chat about other stuff. the entire time my affect was just flat. i tried to act like i wanted to keep up the convo but i couldn't. not that the meds made me flat but that I made me flat so i wouldn't get so freakin peeved.

today i ran upstairs asking her for her title, extension, email and my pay grade then ran off. (it's not like it is a secret that i ma looking for a job. i'm sure the thought brings her a lot of comfort. and if i can do this sooner rather than later, she could hire both of the candidates she is interviewing for our 1 open position.

getting this job would also mean that i could skip going to the employee assistance program for Adult ADD skills. I finally told my boss "it's not the add that's the problem it;'s the freakin job and the environment but I will go so i won't get fired."

and truthfully i think that is true. I ahve never had jobs where i was able to do anyone task for a long time simply because of the nature of what i was doing. and i thrived on that. and those jobs felt like i was doing something. this job... well no one cares about standardization of our code across titles, why the scripts don't work, blah, blah blah. Except now they are on this big kick to figure out what the porblems are. Ah well--troubleshooter numero uno (me) has decided it is not my fucking job so I don't care either.

I am trying to get ou of the freakin job before I have to have another eval. keep your fingers crossed.