breaking in the rookie

So I self referred to the employee assistance program to... well i am not too sure what i expected. I guess i wanted some time mgmnt, help learning to stay on task kind of support.

what i got was the new guy. he seemed competent. but not so much as it only took me about 25 minutes into a 2 hour appt. to break him.

as i knew he would, he began asking about why i had come and me (you know, medical history, diagnosis, meds, family history, etc.) And as i knew he would, he almost immediately began focusing on the bipolar. and i so wanted to say, "look buddy I've got that covered, you just deal with the ADD ok?" but i wanted to appear receptive and open so i just kept smiling and fidgeting so i wouldn't boil over.

So we get into that "you are showing signs of hypomania. No i'm not, this is just how i am. yes you are. then when am i me? I hate that convo because it makes me feel fundamentally flawed. and it makes me acutely aware of every action/reaction. that increase the anxiety and that increases the odd behavior. and that increase the other person's freak out level and then that spurs me on to be even weirder because i so get a kick out of it.

We get thru the whole:

• "no I can't tell you when i'm hypomanic--this is new to me;
• i don't care if i hypomanic--as long as i am not depressed;
• no my normal T can not do time mgmnt ADD help--we are a little busy dealing with my emotional issues and sorting out my level of crazy;
• yes I think about killing myself every day, several times a day. NO I am not going to kill myself
• yes i have plans, unfortunately they are all severely flawed:
  
  
  
  1. no pills: after 4 my gag reflex goes into hyper drive.
     
  2. no hanging-don't weear necklaces or turtle necks because i don't like things around my neck
     
  3. can't shoot myself--no gun, no idsea where to buy one, am bankrupt so can't afford one, very poor eye hand coordination means i would just blow off a chunk of my scull.
     
  4. no carbon monoxide thing: no garage, and it would ruin the resale value of my car
     
  5. no jumping: scared of heights
     
  6. no intentional drowning: scared of deep water, don't like not being able to breathe
     
  7. no slitting of wrists: large amounts of blood and pain are a no no.
  
  
• heaven is like an overbooked hotel--you can't show up before your reservation or you end up sleeping in the lobby.
  

Unfortuately I should have stopped there because he summarized the reasons why not and when he got to some religious ideaology about suicide being wrong, my dumb ass stopped him. I told him that I did not believe suicide was wrong. I believe it is inappropriate for most people. If I believe that those with terminal illnesses or extremely painful progressive disease should be allowed to use euthanasia as the ultimate treatment/pain management plan, then if i am to believe the idea that mental illness is just a disease that has its symptoms in your thoughts and feelings, then if most forms of treatment have failed you and you have sunken to a level so low that suicide becomes a real idea, then God won't be mad because at that point it is simply a symptom of the disease and your disordered thinking. and as i have experienced that kind of suffering on my small scale, i would not fell comfortable asking someone that far gone to hold on anymore than i would feel comfortable asking an end stage cancer patient to just hold on. The distinction for me is a fine point but it exists. If you still have enough reserves to question whether suicide is the answer or place some barriers between you and a successful outcome, then you are not eligible for the get out of purgatory free card. He asked if my family or friends were enough to keep me alive and i told him, I'd feel bad because i know it would devastate my mom but the truth of the matter is i can't live for someone else--been there, done that, got the emotional scars to show; when that person is gone, then i am back where i started if not 5 steps further back. (don't take that as a slight to you guys. i use our bond to help bolster my spirit to fight the downward slide)

I saw the look of concern on his face--he's got a lousy poker face so i stopped short of telling him that maybe my death would spur my mother to, get her own life, seek her own treatment and give her a cause to dedicate herself to.


ofcourse he asks if i would mind if he talked to pdoc and t and i was like "whatever." but i know i will have some splainin to do when i get to appt with T tomorrow.

by the end, i could see that this guy was terribly frustrated with me because he kept looking at his watch. then he would ask me a question and i would start to answer it then wander off. i then got frustrated because i really thought i was adding additional info relevant to the topic, but then i just felt flawed. by the 3rd time he said "so i'm going to ask you for the third time, since you still haven't answered the question..."

by the end i was exhibiting every hypomanic/add symtom including severe annoyance manifesting as sarcasm, fast talking, interrupting people. when i started talking in funny voices and making very animated facial expressions i was expecting him to hit some silent alarm and the psycho police to be waiting with a nice white summer jacket to take me to the mental spa.

and then i began to cry on the way to my car. the entire thing just left me feeling to unsure of whether or not there was any me left in here.

and then i got pissed.

i love hypomania!