seems i have a new knack for striking looks of annoyance fear or horror into the eyes of therapists. i'm trying to figure out how to put that on my resume as a marketable job skill. maybe i could be the test patient from hell for medical schools.
so i see my T today and he could tell i was pissed off. he phrased it rather nicely though (wow you seem to be serious and all about business). ok so he was not too pleased that i got into a debate with the employee assistance guy about suicide and what constitutes a plan and whether or not committing suicide constitutes a go straight to hell card. But i am so sick and tired of people asking me if i have suicidal thoughts--YES FOR FUCKS SAKE; do i have a plan--NOT ONE THAT WOULD WORK. apparently ruling out methods of suicide does not constitute being safe on the self harm scale. I thought I was doing really good. i have a fairly rational answer for each method:
-pills (can't swallow; gag reflex kicks in, nauseau & throwing up, and i ahve no idea what a lethal dose of anything is.)
-hanging-don't wear necklaces or turtle necks because i don't like stuff around my next.
--jumping--scared of heights
--drwning--yeah scared of that lack of air thing.
--crashing ca--i can't do that to my saturn, plus i could hurt someone else
--gun: don't ahve one, don't know where to buy one, very poor eye hand coordination
--razors: OWWIEE and lot's of blood
--car in garage: no garage & it would ruin the resale value of my car.
but no one seems impressed.do i ahve the idea YES rather constantly. i can't act on them because of my anxiety at fucking it up. like most things in my life i ahve this rather romanticized notion of the scenario surrounding my self-imposed death and i am a bit of a perfectionist so... the plan will never be good enough.
--poison: not sure whata or where or how much ut i know i would throw up.
so suddenly i am here trying to explain my frustrations. i realize quite suddenly that many things people would deem bad behavior are simply my deflection of their idiotness and sometimes just because i like to see how people will react. except when i am doing it i am not thinking that. it just happens. so then i am worried that i am simply using hindsight to put a better spin on it so it seems like i am more in control.
at any rate, i am back to that place where i don't feel safe being happy or sad. either way everyone around me seems ready to push the silent alarm and have me whisked off to the padded palace.
the eap therapist introduced the idea of learning to live within my limitations. so i guess there is no getting back to where i was is what you are saying? that idea sucked all the hope out of my soul. my therapist kind of tried to go along with that idea. and suddenly i just didn't want to bother.
eventually burst into tears and told my therapist that i barely have enough wear-with-all to survive every day--there is nothing left to go demon slaying. i am tired and overwhelmed and unsure and frustrated. the more i tried to explain to him, the more i seemed to be spinning around in a web and tangling myself more.
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