i haVe long had a dislike for bugs. i have a stronger dislike for bugs crawling on me. long ago i began thinking there were bugs crawling on me. and i would frantically reach up to brush them off. after the 7 millionth reach and brush that found nothing i figured out it was all in my mind. i figured that it was simply my chronically dry skin.
awhile ago i found out that this is a form of hallucination. I ahve made very careful to not mention it to any dr's or therapists. am i possibly hindering my care? maybe. am i trying to keep myself from simply giving up if they tell me one more fucking thing is wrong with me? yes.
(I have slowly realized as I battle to accept my disease that there is a level of crazy i was willing to accept; i also realize that had it not been for my interaction with you guys, i would have probably not accepted my diagnosis and refused to follow treatment or simply ended my life in despair and shame. each day each of you survives, is another bit of hope breathed into me-thank you so much for being willing to share your struggle)
i ahve tried to accept that the bug thing is simply a hallucination fueled by an anxiety and paranoia. except every once in awhile there is a bug crawling on me. several years ago it was the cicada behind my ear. i felt something but i was really working at not reacting or overreacting everytime i felt something. then that little mutherfucker buzzed LOUDLY in my fucking ear.
this morning i reached up and it was a ... tick. it was just crawling on my neck but ofcourse i ma now freaked out. i am looking at all the items in my apt that will end up in the dumpster because of this.
i hate for a hallucination, paranoia to intersect with reality. it makes it so hard to get back under control.
i'm betting that my recent poor showings are an indication that i will end up in the hospital in the near future.
2 comments:
The problem with hallucinations are that they DO intersect with reality. OUR reality, anyway. Often with hallucinations and what makes it most frightening for me, is that inability to see that it is not real.
Now, if we knew it was a hallucination and was able to tell it isn't real, we wouldn't be crazy, would we?
touche my dearest PB touche.
it seems that it could be a side effect of the lamictal. i probably didn't have it before this because i missed the evening dose so much. dr. has changed the dosing schedule so i take both pills together.
yeah meds! these get better and better.
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