my shrink is better than prozac

i went in to the office yesterday for med check up. i felt like CRAP. but the minute i saw Dr. J i felt so much better. as we walked back to his office he reached out to hold my hand like we were going to go skipping down the yellow brick road.

I admitted that I didn't feel so hot. He told me that may be but I hadn't lost my glow. I admitted that I was struggling with med compliance mainly to dosing schedule. He looked at the list, asked me about my normal schedule (witht he missed doses) and then made a few changes. the new plan has some potential. it also pointed to the fact that i could cut down my buspar to 1 pill per day.

he always tells me how much he admires my determination to beat this and how he is glad i am willing to meet them half-way. i tried to tell him how it wasn't me it was him and his staff but he just poo-poo'd that notion. he says that they are just blessed that God has allowed them too steer me in the right path. Funny when he speaks of God you don't feel like he is speaking of any one religion's god but just of a higher power.

I always leave giving hugs. now don't get me wrong, I like hugging people, but over the years i have developed a mild enjoyment of the discomfort some people feel when i hug them. people normally get over it and eventually think it is just this funny quirky thing i do. those who don't get over it... well i enjoy just threatening to hug them and watching their reactions! So early on when seeing this dr., i hugged him. The next time i was feeling less hypo shall we say and he looked at me as i was leaving and said, but i've been waiting all week for that hug!" so it has become a bit of a ritual. i hug the nurse practitioner, i hug the dr. i hug the therapist, i hug the scheduler who used to be the receptionist, i hugged the old receptionist (but not the new one--she looks like she would scream and force them to commit me), interestingly enough i don't think i hugged therapist from hell.

so when i left, i hugged dr. j and joked that he would have to give nurse practitioner his hug since i started directly with Dr. J this time. he went to R's door and said, nope he's free-give him his hug! then my T and the other partner in the the practice were in the hall. i told my T "well it's not your day but I'll give you an extra" and then i looked at the partner whom I have only seen once when Dr. J was out and he checked in after i saw the nurse practitioner, and i hugged him too! i love that this office is so not stiff, i love that you don't have to feel afraid to express any emotion for fear that someone will take it the wrong way.

Funny there and church are the 2 places I feel ok. And I feel more ok at the pdoc's office. (that's not to denegrate church, but i think it is coupled with the fact that i have some anxiety about anyone discovering my secrets or my past and rejecting me that i feel more anxious there. know it's my own anxiety but... At any rate though, there is a quiet in my head and i don't think about myself in terms of the illness in church but more as my fit in the universe)