struggling

it began with employee therapist visit. i have never felt so fundamentally down to my core flawed. everything i liked about myself is being stripped away and given to the bipolar. i loved my exuberance and when i talked fast because i was so excited about an idea. iu loved my overly dramatic flair. i loved the shocking things i said and did--made people smile, laugh or atleast think. i loved my willingness to speak up and speak my mind to most anyone in most any situation--after years of silently taking people's crap i though it was progress.

that therapist reinforced for me that anyone who does not understand this disease from personally experiencing it in the first person looks at me and only sees the bipolar. even my T, who has to be one of the top 3 i have ever worked with, has thrust himself into this category. that's not a good category to be in if you want me to be open and honest with you. ah well, i'll just look at it as my weekly mask building skills.

i regret telling anyone, sharing with anyone, letting anyone IRL in. seems i keep making that stupid mistake.

then there was a young friend of mine whose mother is very unstable who has been the emotional and somes times very real parent of himself and her for a long time. he is at a breaking point. i told him to walk away from her. he knew he had too, he just needed to hear someone say it was ok. i talked to him and suddenly i realized how mush dealing with my mom's crazy has cost me. how much carrying the burden of other's crazy has brought me to the point i am.

then came the realization that i will probably never get myself back again. i will have to learn to live within limits. my T pointed out last week that if i did not learn to "play by the rules" i would continue to find myself miserable like my current situation at work. if i do not learn to squelch out any traces of me so that i can fit into the world, then this would be as good as it gets (but not as bad as it will get).

In the end, both of the Ts at the Pdocs office were right:
#1--I don't want to get "better"
#2--I will be miserable forever.

glad we got that all cleared up.