yeah you might not want to read this, because it might just hurt your feelings

If one more person tries to give me a reason to want to live i'm going to scream. please don't say "hold on, we can do it" right now. No offense, but you guys have kids. kids don't deserve to be left with the scars that come from a loved one's suicide. They are the only person you owe that too because it was your decision to bring them here. They are also they only people who did not help to scar you. don't suck me into your obligatory survival. i killed off my obligations long ago.

parents, siblings, friends, blogger buddies... well i don't want to live out of guilt that i might hurt your feelings. that is not enough of a reason to make me WANT to live. it only makes me resentful.

Am i going to pursue death? no, i'm still a big chix at the end of the day. all talk and no action which in and of itself may be a good reason to stop therapy. what happens if they cure the fear of trying so help me succeed in life but don't cure the desire to not be alive?

i may not be able to remove myself from the world, but i can remove myself from this life. i woke up this morning and everything i saw fell into 3 categories: take it with me, sell it, leave it behind. Leaving and just going somewhere else and being someone else is right now the best game plan i've got. it's the only compromise i can make with the madness and with everyone. give me up, but rest a bit easier knowing i am out there somewhere.