i'm not sure what to do

tomorrow i think i have to admit that this isn't working. i stopped my meds a week ago because of the nausea. the anxiety about having to go to work is way too much. the excessive sleepiness is KILLING me. I can't stay awake for much of anything anymore. i should not have taken the part time jobs but :

1. 1) i have trouble saying no
   
2. 2) i need the money.

i've done a lot of thinking right now. the only option i have is to leave or lie. i have to leave my job. HAVE to. I ma hoping that i can apply for the pt time job at my church which has health insurance and get a few other part time night/weekend jobs and make due. and then at the end of the semester simply pack up and leave.

i'm going to create a mythical car accident with resulting brain injury and tell future job prospects that that is why i am applying for jobs that i am seemingly over qualified for. I am going to create some mythical great job opportunity far far away and tell everyone who knows me now then exit stage right.

walking away is scary. for a bit there will be no meds and no healthcare. i ahve to leave the only dr's i have ever trusted. i have the start COMPLETELY OVER with the knowledge of what the ehck i am actually up against hanging over my head.

i have always believed in trying to go about this with a logical approach (or as much logic as can be applied to being crazy...
i don't want to frighten you, but you should begin to prepare yourself for the fact that i may not make it. you may want to begin to distance yourself. the reality is that i don't want to survive. i say i do because it is what is expected of me to say. it is the right thing to say. but even the lure of true love and great friends and pills that bring unending happiness aren't enough. i just don't think life is that great. period. i KNOW there will be good times and there will be some relief from some bit of treatment but i just don't care. those moments hurt more knowing that the darkness is always around the corner. no one with mental illness is cured. you only hope for remission; you pray that it becomes tolerable and manageable. and that is not enough.

and the bottomline is, th enly thing i ever wanted was to be a mother. don't spew the "but you can be," or "you can adopt." crap at me. i want to be a mother and a wife and i will never be botht together. it is what i lived this long for--held on to a bit of hope. but that is no more and so now i don't want to be here watching everyone else. period. i'm selfish and spoiled and self-centereed and all that. i'm lazy. whatever. if i can't have the life i want then i don't want any life. period.
i feel myself becoming this horrid person because the guilt i should feel at hurting you guys is slowly dissapating. the only thing i have left is my fear of pain, shame, and failure.