i'm fighting this darkness so hard guys, i am. i don't want them to send me to the locked ward. sure it might be the place where i would make the best emotional recovery, but then i have to leave. and i would come home to..., well actually that is the point...
even forget the teaching jobs and the respect of the professors and people who don't know, i could lose my apt and car because i ahve no idea if my ST disability pay has been approved. so i would be released and be sent to continue to recover with my mother.
i told a "classmate" yesterday that if they sent me over there i would simply smile the entire time, all the while plotting for my end when i was released because i would return to a world that was minus the only 2 things i wanted for myself that i fought so hard to get.
so at this point in time that is the worse possible place to send me; like sending an addict who is not committed to rehab. maybe i'm addicted to the depression. maybe it garners me the attention, the care & concern and encouragement from others i never got from my mother? gotta remmeber that for group.
i am so wildly swinging this morning. it is my mind trying to fight to keep me out of the darkness i think because it knows that today is the day. i hate my bday. i wish my mom had had an abortion. for her sake as much as for my sake.
just say bday ok? there's nothing happy about it.
2 comments:
bday~bday~bday
much love to you
many many good thoughts your way
even if you don't feel the love and thoughts know they are there
lyns
marie
i am so sorry i missed telling you oh bday bday bday!
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