today was a good day it seems. The T's said I didn't know it was a good day because I hadn't seen one in so long if ever. I was so freaked about becoming rather manic. but all assured me they were watching and it was ok. i have never been so relieved in my freakin life. They kept smiling at me while i was talking and it was kind of unnerving.
my case mgr said i seemed calmer but inside i feel jumpier. i think getting some extra sleep yesterday helped me be able to contain things. now hopefully the headaches and the hand tremors will pass.

when i called mom, to discuss something totally different, she said i sounded different--like i had gotten some of my fight back.

we got new people in the group. its a weird vibe for me because the people i have become to feel like are my safety blanket are leaving one by one. and i wonder what life is like when you are fully on the outside--i wonder if i will survive or will the angst and anxiety return.

i was amazed at the number of people who had no idea what the meds they were on were for. they didn't know whether the med was an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, mood stabilizer, major tranquilizer or anti-psychotic. and learning about all of the various kind of unexpected uses of the various meds really makes it easier to handle the prescriptions the dr keeps giving me. the dr. just didn't give a thorough enough explanation so i felt like there was no rhyme or reason to why he was choosing these drugs.

oddly enough i was walking back to the apt. and i thougt "i feel sad" and that made me smile. it's not depressed it's just sad. and sad i can handle.