never has the url of this blog been so right on it.

i have been stepped down to half days (seems I am only crazy from 9-12)

I will be discharged from care Tuesday to return to work & the world

what's different? The constant suicidal ideation is gone. and don't get me wrong, they did their job with that one and in 4 weeks to boot; that would not have been possible without the daily check-ins and monitoring which allowed for rapid med introduction and quick responses to flareups etc.

and i know there is no easy fix and maybe i just expected a miracle or something.

but it was safe there in that bubble. and they tell you to let it all out and then one day they tell you your insurance is up and to pack up your oozing wounds and now opened baggage (which was bursting at the seams anyway from years and years of you stuffing more and more in) and be on your way.

why isn't discharge such a celebration? because only one person since i have been there has actually made it to their discharge date and walked out the doors. everyone else has ended up falling apart and going inpatient. and i don't necessarily blame the program, i think it is more a reflection on the health insurance companies refusing to pay for longer treatment or to allow you to see 2 mental health providers in 1 day. My biggest issue with the program is that there needed to be some time when each of us scheduled & attended and appointment with our therapist for one on one and probably done that 2 days a week in the afternoon rather than the lame-o OT.

now i know i will go thru the doors--there is no choice. i have to. and i always do what i have to. and it doesn't matter if i feel like i am ready or not. i am not in a position financially to do anything else. and as this is not immediately life threatening i can ignore it. like the stabbing pain in my back. or the freezing toes and finger tips no one can seem to figure out.

today was hard. my anxiety was high and it was all i could do to keep it all in. hopefully i will be able to fake it and just move on. leave there a bubbly bouncy happy go lucky me. so they can stamp "success" on my folder. that can be my gift to them.