rethinking

well this partial hospitalization has been interesting. if nothing else it gave me a chance to kind of reassess my symptoms. I don't think i ma bipolar but rather am borderline with dysthymia and major depression reoccuring. throw in some ADD and anxiety and POOF! you got me.

i'm feeling less and less like talking and more and more like isolating. i need time to rebuild some kind of wall. hopefully it won't be quite the same type of angry wall but something so that i can survive until i can master this borderline thing. I don't want to talk in group; I don't want to talk here.

it's not even that i don't want to journal per se. i don't want to share my thoughts with anyone any more. therapy has turned it all into a symptom of a disease. i don't want someone else saying "i understand" because i don't understand so how could you?

i feel rather unraveled now in the world. when i was young, my mom did every thing for me. there were 2 messages i derived from that:

1. you'll fuck it up
2. just wait for someone to come rescue you.

on top of that no display of emotion was allowed and there was no real contact beyond controlled situations with the rest of the world. So all I knew of how people interact is what I gleaned from tv and books and what I glimpsed.

• best friends told each other everything
• men & woman interested in each other made out & had sex when they liked each other

i used to think sometimes that my mother had forgotten me. in actuality a few times she had. forgotten to pick me up, forgotten to bring my rollerskates. little things to an adult. monumental to me. so i tried to be useful and make myself the center of attention 1- to not be forgotten and 2- to be needed since i did not feel wanted.

sometimes i think it is why i play into the codependant relationship mom and i ahve because it assures me a place/purpose/belonging. otherwise, what's to stop her from cutting her losses and just leaving?

I read the book "Get Me Out of Here" which is the autobiography of a woman's struggle with BPD. I see it can be done. I'm not convinced I can do it. it's an odd place to be trapped. my logical mind and my emotional mind are dueling it out.

therapist are always so happy about the insight i show. awareness with no knowledge of how to use it.

i imagine the look on their face when they ask me if i am suicidal and i say my standard "yes" because the ideation is rather constant but rampant when the depression is at its worst. and then when they ask me if i have a plan i tell them "no but I have a date. the birthday after my mom kicks the bucket! i'm outta here" sick humor? maybe.