i'm sure this is misplaced anger. i wanted to be a prized pupil. i like it when you smile and seem happy with me. some people pay for sex, i pay for kindness, caring and acceptance.
i'm not denying your 20+ years of experience and training. You want to know it all? Well here is is in bullet points:
- my mother abandoned me emotionally before i even escaped from her womb
(everyone thought my mother was not quite capable of taking care of a child but yet they allowed her to raise me. (her sister G offered to take me and raise me with the baby she would have 3 months later; my grandmother eventually came to NY and just took me) - my dad was gone before then too - he chose his other family not me. if i had been a boy i might have stood a chance.
- no one wanted me. i came into this world a big shame to be hidden, disguised, lied about. mom told NO ONE she was pregnant. there were no baby showers celebrating me. even early pictures of my grandparents holding me look as if sin is contagious. my father's mother would not hold me and told my dad that child is going to have hard life.
- As I grew up with my mother as the gate keeper people, people constantly disappeared from my life. There were quite a few people I found out years later had died. One whose funeral i had not even been offered the chance to go to which hurt me a lot was my cousin pat. when i was growing up i was only known for being smart and awkward like my mom; he was the only person who who would tell me i was pretty. every little girl wants to be pretty.
- despite the fact that other relatives had died, i had no idea my grandfather could or would die. it seems silly now that i could not figure it out, but my world view had been so limited because of the limits imposed by my mom. i felt abandoned by pop-pop because i had no also realized how much he had kept the family afloat emotionally and financially and there was no will etc. and the fighting and things that broke out was horrible. i never got to say goodbye, i never got to sit in his big red chair again, i never even got to go into the house again because we weren't welcome. but most of all, other than my grandmother, he was the person who held me, even as i got older. and i had to do no more than simply exist to be the apple of his eye. i lost the place i called 2nd home
- Aunt R (mom's oldest half sister)
she used to make these grand dinners and sew me dresses. one day she just left. packed her things and left. she resurfaced once in NY when my cousin was diagnosed with cancer in her leg. it was then that i started wishing that i was sick or hurt so that maybe that would make people stop leaving or come back and i began harming myself but mainly in superficial ways. eventually she disappeared completely. we had the red cross trace her for grandma's funeral which she declined to attend and have not seen or heard from her since. - my grandmother died when i was 20. i had no idea she would ever die. she hadn't been sick. and i had finally gotten her to accept that my mother was not ok and my grandmother had agreed to let me come live with her. I did not go live with her because i was afraid to leave my mother to fend for herself. my grandmother was my comfort. she was the person who held me and hugged me and touched me. and it seemed i had to do no more than simply exist to be the apple of her eye. or atleast the things i did to garner her attention were so much easier (like eat). i was not allowed to go to the hospital to see her and i could have made it to say goodbye. i lost the place that was home because not long after my aunt gambled it away. in preperation for the fight i knew would come. after the funeral, i took the items i knew i would want because i knew the fight that would take place before it did.
- Aunt J (my mother's youngest blood sister)
she was the fun one. she is supposed to be my god mother but as i was never baptized i guess she is truly not. she was always the one full of life. as i grew into adolescence i figured that she would be the one i would go to to talk about boys and such but she seemed slowly unavailable to me. i'm not sure if this was because of my mom or simply because she was out with her gambling buddies' more & more. When i did see her many times i was taken to her gambling parties and left uunattended or with someone's older child who did not care to watch me. i would just sit & pray she would come back. when she did i would always be made to promise that i would not tell where we had been or that she had lost the rent money. In one instance she left me at someone else's house while she went somewhere else to gamble and the teenage girl burned me with a cigarette. in another incident she left me sitting in a dark LR with no light for hours holding the rent money after making me promise not to give it to her. she came and asked for it and when i wouldn't give it to her she chased me thru the room trying to get it from me. finally i realized i would have to give it to her because i didn't know where i was and how to get home so i gave it to her, but i vowed to never go with her anywhere again.
after grandma passed, the story goes that she did not pay the taxes so that even though the house was paid for they house got taken. the furniture was already gone because some cousin had taken it all without the immediate family's permission. joyce went to live in NJ with middle sister. LONG story short, she ran away to Atlantic city and disappeared for awhile. she called our house once and i answered the phone. i asked her was she coming to my play and she asked me for money from my part time after school job. I wrote her off at that point.
when she came back i refused to deal with and only relented when my mom asked me to for her sake. i try to keep it to a minimum. she is like having a 2nd autistic child. i worry about who will take care of her when she gets older because she has burned so mnay family bridges. she has no kids no spouse has not worked long enough to really have much of a retirement.
she I hated for leaving me because i had no ONE to talk to. SHE was like a BIG sister to me and she was gone during the vital time i needed her.
- TR (19) met at music camp on the last day of camp in a piano room at peabody. as we started having sex & it hurt i changed my mind and he told me i couldn't; when we were done he told me it was my fault it wasn't nicer because i should have said yes sooner. I took those 2 things to heart. had never been on a date and never been kissed.
- age 14 - 16
- GA (14-16): first kiss, slept with all my friends, dated most of my friends but wouldn't date me because i was black. sex in halways at school, outside in secluded parts of school, snuck to his house. let him and a bunch of his friends penetrate me with their fingers in the lunch room.
- he "passed me on" to his best friend DC(14-16). I ran away one weekend to stay at GAs with DC. ended up having sex with both of them & then they began penetrating me with various objects such as a lacrosse stick and a frozen hot dog. years later i ran into DC and practically had sex with him on the floor of an abandoned building.
- fooled around with a few other boys without going "all the way during this time too.
- BB (@21?) married man whom i thought really respected me and cared for me because he would not try to put the moves on me. after my 18th bday he tried to get me to have sex with him in the backseat of his car. how it ended? he invited me to see him in this modeling competition that his 9 month pregnant wife also attended.
- R (late 20s-early 30's?) ; apparently a pathological liar. had sex with him a few times. once in a neighbor's breezeway and once in a empty lot while leaning up against some object (abandoned fridge/car?) only to discover some guy across the lot peeing was watching us.
- W (late 20s-early 30's?): got me drunk. went into his room to have sex and suddenly i'm counting hands and there are 1 set too many. his old fat ugly friend had joined us. i got pissed, wtried to explain that it was because he had a very small penis (he did) and didn't think he could satisfy me; made friend leave. w & i had sex and then he dropped my drunk ass off on my doorstep.
- ? (18) - got into an emotionally heavy, somewhat physically intimate relationship with some boy in my class who liked me. when i broke it off he dropped out of school and everyone blamed me so i stopped going to school.
- BB#2 (18)- cute guy i was having sex with. wanted to be his girlfriend but he had a girlfriend back home. tried to pretend to be rela grown up about it.
- DB (22) - military upperclassman but things had to be his way. i acted very childish in the "relationship" which wasn't any more than i go to his apt and have sex. we didn't go out on dates. we went someone together once i think. very protective but i liked to challenge him about small things which i thought were silly. he just disappeared one day with no explanation. several semesters later i saw him and he didn't explain then either. but i was able to console myself with fantasies that he had to go off with the military and fight some secret mission.
- {S (18) - got really drunk at an off campus dorm & he walked us home. he liked me but i didn't like him. woke up in my apt. with shirt on an no panties on & him reading my letters home; am fairly certain nothing sexual happened. (i left pants and panties in bathroom when i went to pee)}
- KC (19) - dated him because he showed up at my door professing his love. really wasn't so attracted to him. liked that when i shared some of my past he cried. he was popular in the major i wanted to be in but was too afraid to join. yada yada. he was talented. we told me he was cheating on me which prompted suicide attempt # 1; then found out i was pregnant after we had broken up. he tried to deny that i was then just paid me off so his family wouldn't find out. i finally had to tell mom. ended up having an ectopic and almost dying. he come to the hospital and had the nerve to call new girlfriend from my room.
- CMH (18) - of all the "mistakes" he has been the person who has been the best friend in the end. i wanted to be with him so badly but it never worked out. i know now it porbably never would have and now it never will. he's very unemotional. would continue to be involved with him on and off for the rest of my life.
- E (30's) - was engaged to a chick who treated him badly. i befriended him at our job. he was overweight but very good looking,very giving. great chef, kind and funny. he broke off the engagement. we started seeing each other. i don't really rememebr why it ended. but at some point he called and threatend to shoot me but i dind't take him serious.
- LB (25) - went for the exact opposite of cmh when he broke my heart when i worked up the nerve to tell him how i felt and he dind't respond. he was sweet and nimce and a momma's boy. NICE family. eventually i ilked the family (except sis) more than him. he began to change and want to hang out at bars more and i wasn't into bars. he wanted me to go back to school and when i finally did he got mad because i didn't have time for him. we had some very boderline like fights tow3ards the end (he was a trained therapist(.
- TS (21) - only relationship with a woman. enjoyed the attention she lavished on me. I wasn't against sleeping with women. had had fantasies about sexual encounters with women based on erotica i had read. not sure that some of that wasn't based opn the attention she showed me, the fact that all of my closest friends at that point were lesbian or bi and i found the lesbian community very very kind of welcoming and warm. this relationship i displayed very very borderline BAD manipulative behavior. at this point i realized just how bad i was and knew i had to grow up. and try to get control. was very ashamed of myself. orchestrated our breakup and her leaving town.
- WN (50s) - married guy; started off very fatherly and caring. everyone called him uncle W
- BW (24) - drinker, musician and depressed; what more of a draw could i want
- TB (30) - sloppy, dirty, unintelligent, poor, father of 2, unreliable, but sweet. meant well. from what a common "friend" tells me he really did love me. but that relationship would not have worked. he was a craft project and a one way tix out of my mother's house and crazy. in the end when my eyes began to open and i realized i was pregnant as much as i wanted the baby no one else seemed to want the baby, i didn't think i could do it by myself, i did no trust myself, i did not trust the people it would fall to if i was unable, i did not want to be tied to TB the rest of my life and there were some complications as well as the fear that i was having another ectopic. with some dr. glitches i couldn't get good info so the info i got was sketchy and incomplete and i panicked. i decided an abortion was best.
in the end TB abandoned me at the place leaving to go do something while i had the procedure and returning to pick me up with his 2 year old daughter in the car. - RJ (30s) - friend who seemed to be the other half of my mind. only person who had ever seen the full extent of my madness and not balked. only problem was he is married. we had this kind of close intellectual connection, that seemed to grow into a close physical connection because we are both touchy feely. at some point he realized he had crossed a line he should not have and he tried to step back but it was too late (i warned him about that in the very beginning)eventually he sent me a powerpoint with pictures of a child i did not know he was having [if that is not BB all over again]. i ended the friendship not because i felt like he had been lying about the nature of the relationship with his wife (because i didn't care about that - not my problem) but because if we were as close as he was saying why wouldn't he tell me before 2 months after the kid was born regardless of whether he thought it would hurt me) CMH and i have argued about the nature of my relationship with RJ. we have never actually completed a sexual act. showered together. slept nude in the same bed. kissed.laid in the LR listening to music bodies intertwined. CMH said RJ was using me and i said i knew that but i was willing to accept that for what he offere3d me which was moments to be fully ok in my own skin and safe from myself. i could not have talked to RJ for awhile and he would show up at just the right moment and pull me out of bed put me in the shower, dress me and carry me outside to his truck and drive me to a local spot with a nice view and sit there while i cried for hours and then drive me home and tuck me back into bed.
he's the only person i never made excuses about why the apt looked the way it did nor bothered to put on clothes or fix my hair. i didn't even try to play hostess. but i did usually display very borderline behaviors when he would leave.
so now it's all out there. staring back at me. i know that because i was not allowed to experience the world as an adolescent that i didn't learn to interact with others, especially in intimate/sexual relationships, but even in friendships too (because it does spill over into those) and while i still am shamed by my actions, i got that i have to forgive myself. but remembering them still makes me cry. they are as vivid as they were when they happened and now all those wants and desires which fueled those desperate crazy grabs for someone, anyone are there in high def too, screaming at me. so what fucking good is it?
with the cacaphony of all the other crap that was screaming in my head, what is one more? pull your head out of the therapy book and stick it in the real world for a moment.
just who the fuck is going to teach me to read these social cues on whether someone "likes me like that"? who is going to tell me what to do between "hi" and "if i let you fuck me will you call me?" do you really think i'm going to get a nice guy responding to "pleasantly plump mid thirties black woman, well educated, with a great sense of humor, avid mental health consumer and the social skills of an autistic 13 year old seeks someone who won't do anymore damage to her already fucked up psyche"?
and now that all of those little details like frozen hotdogs in your vagina and sex in a abandoned lot with a man who doesn't even know your name are whispering in my ear at 2 am while you are curled up next to your wife and the other 10,030 minutes i'm not in therapy and i am yelling back "i forgive myself, everyone makes mistakes," but i don't feel any better so i bury that misery under the surface and go to work and face some other misery in my life and choke that down to because i am a misery-binger, well now what the fuck would you have me do. every time i see some happy couple, every time i see some love scene on tv, images from my sordid past float before my eyes. i can't even hide in my fantasy world anymore because they interupt me there.
so mr T, what ya got in your bag of tricks for me? Nada i bet. you aren't strong enough for these demons buddy. i need a stronger superhero. so its on to mr P and his faithful sidekicks. drug me up, knock me out, float me through life and wake me when its over.
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