Dear T, I think we should break up.

The last appt., my T spent it using all the therapitize and T-tools to deflect my anger rather than really hearing what I was saying. i wanted to snipe "umm hello dumb ass, if they gave out degrees for lifetime learning, i'd have a PhD in this crap because I ahave been living it as long as you have been studying, longer if you count that when you close the book, my learning keeps going." but sniping got me to that point so i kept the revelation to myself. it felt useless to express the feelings i was feeling to him to have him go back to the third grade therapy level interpretation of "see Dick run" when i was on the 12th grade "Moby Dick" version.

But i find it is an avoidance tool therapist use when they don't want to hear your displeasure and anger and upset with the tools they insist should be working. when you pull out the "that works in this very sterile environment but not in the real world" card they go into protect ass at all costs mode, so they attack you with therapy talk. and because you are there for help and they ahve already conditioned you to think that you are the help seeker and they have the golden ray of help you seek. you begin to crumble.

but i know i am right. the evidence supports it. since my T has opened up the doors to reviewing my "abandonment complex" i have been isolatory and sleeping and have begun cutting my hair again. i am slowly working up the tolerance to binge eat again and dreaming of self harm beahvior as if it is the holy grail to peace.

So yesterday he got the tame family tree of abandonment. and the clean list of how it affected my intimate relationships afterwards. he didn't get the images and memories that haunt me. the things that shape my behaviors and quirks so strongly that to go meet someone, it almost would assure that I would have to explain and to have to explain ALL of it would make me see incredibly soiled. [the post thAT explains all that follows this one but it is LONG]

so he decided that i should go back to work next week. and i decided i just didn't care. i got to the parking lot and cried as i have the last few weeks. all of that effort. all of that money. all of that and i am right back where i started. but with a bit more knowledge.

i am what is keeping me here in the darkness; my irrational wants and desires are what chains me to this place where the demon can whjisper in my ear. i sit here with the key in my hand and i could unlock the chain around my ankle and simply get up and walk away.

and with that truth i know i will be here forever. for the last 8 years i told myself that i would not be married nor have children and that i would need to pursue other dreams. and even though my head believed it apprarently my heart did not because i was never happy. 8 years and i never was able to change my heart.

irrational belief. its irratioanl until someone manages to do it. the man with one leg who decides to climb mt. everest. etc. maybe my thoughts are just fine. maybe your mindset is just too narrow.

we could argue apples and oranges all day. the bottomline is i am breaking it off.
i wish you nothing but the best.