here's the essesntial deep down truth i don't even whisper to myself

i don't like being black or female. i've worn them as badges of honor from some hard fought war but when all said and done, i don't like the very core of my essence.

racial issues, gender issues in the world at large, in my family and in my head.

• My dad wanted a boy - boy children were "worth" more"; my mom had to have known that - she only picked out a name for a boy. no one wanted a girl. if i had been a boy, maybe my father would have chosen to be with our family.
  
• my father was running around trying to save the "black race" instead of worrying about being there to take care of me. the black race wqas more important than me.
• color in my mom's family was incredibly important. i was too dark. i have always been ostracized by blacks for not being black enough. i have had too many times with non-blacks when i am reminded that i am black even by people who are friends who did not mean to make the difference obvious.
• every rite of womanhood was some source of shame and derision. most were associated with physical pain and teasing as well. and no one talked to me to tell me what the hell was going on. men only seemed interested in me for my breasts and my vagina.
  

and yet in it all would i want to be white? nah. i'd like to be a culture that has some more history and culture and cohesiveness - some place i could belong and fit.

would i want to be a man? nope. i'm not so fond of the ones i know intimately and well even my grandfather who was my favorite because he was a cheater.

but i can't discuss this in therapy because then you are accused of believing you are in some way special or tortured or something; one of those irrational thoughts i won't let go of or something. so maybe i don't really feel the way i feel.

maybe all this time i have been torturing myself with imaginary feelings.