graduation

so today was my last day. it was a mixed emotion day. but oddly enough it was the first day i felt like an adult. maybe it was because the crowd in the groups has changed so how i related to them or saw myself in relation to them has changed.

but i had a good morning this morning. and i had a relatively good day yesterday. and i cut myself some slack.

my last convo with my case mgr left me wanting to cry for a brief moment but then that feeling quickly passed because i realized that a) she would be right there. things don't go right. just go back. and b) the lessons she taught me or that she helped me teach myself can't be taken from me. maybe the darkness can obscure them momentarily but it can't steal them.

it was hard to not want to give them EVERYTHING I own in some small gesture to try to repay for what I feel like they have given me. in the end i snuck out without taking back my board games (hehe!) which I hope will bring some other person a respite from the emotional drudging (after particularly tough AM group sessions rather than do a focusing PM session we played a game or something to relieve some tension and just kind of bond; plus it allowed them to check how we were functioning mentally on the meds)

learned a lot; i am still realizing things i learned. here are a few:

• I have to do this
  The meds, the Dr's the T's - none of them are a magic bullet. no one is going to come in and rescue me and just fix it. there are no do-overs only do-from-heres.
• I don't know if I can do this
  and that's ok because many wonderful people I met think I can and have expressed that confidence in me. So I must have some ability to. They can't ALL be wrong. For me to deny all of their words of belief in me would be for me to call them liars.
• I don't know if i want to do this
  There are some things about me whether they are considered symptoms or not whether they are bothersome to others or not, I may not want to change. maybe i'll just change the people i associate with. or maybe i will continue to isolate by personal choice and not by emotional neccisity.
• i ahve to accept responsibility for the decisions i made (even when i made no decision) during the times when i was not as "emotionally educated" as I am now. I can't keep blaming my mom or anyone else. I can acknowledge the role the played in the outcome but must accept that the final outcome was mine to direct
• i must find a new "dream" for my life. hanging on to the get married have kids, live happily ever after is simply emotionally abuse i impose on myself, another form of self injury.
•