the root of the darkness

the abandonment i think may be the root of all the depression in my life. all roads i think lead back to it. i am at my saddest when i am alone - it's when i torture myself with memories of the family that wasn't and the family that will never be.

even my little brother sees it. he said to me "you need to get out; i could set you up with a nice guy." i politely declined. then he'd know just how fucked up his big sister is.

so it seems there are a few choices:

1. tackle the issue head on, imploding momentarily and rebuilding. there is pain and terror and anxiety and so much more wrapped in that choice. it requires an energy level I don't quite have. it requires some supports i just don't have. atleast one area of my life has to be going ok so that i can put that on auto pilot and divert that energy to battling this issue. to battle this requires money i don't have, time to attend therapy and recover from sessions i don't have.
2. Go back to simply ignoring it and hope that i can make it another 36 years before a major breakdown. just keep going as i have been. keep patching life together as best i can.
3. or give up.

i've eliminated the last choice from the list for now. and the 2nd choice is looking better and better. especially if i move. it is easier to live the lie with people who have never seen anything but you being the lie.