The beginning of a goodbye letter

for some odd reason mom and i have been arguing a bit lately. i'm not sure really what has really caused it but i find mysefl yelling and hanging up.

i told her that my plan was to stick around until she died and then separate myself from this family like my aunt r did and simply walk off intro the wind. in ager i yelled into the phone that maybe i wouldn't wait that long.

i took a nap. walked the dog. and got up and began doing some chores to get ready for the arrival of my other sister in 2 days. and my mind was replaying words. and suddenly i realized that i should go at the end of this spring semester. that despite the family kind of principle, i don't owe her anything. i can send her a money order if i feel financially obligated to her from wherever i am but i don't have to have contact with her or the rest of them. and i don't want to.

so here is the start of the goodbye letter.

Dear Mom,

our truths can not exist in the same place at the same time. i can not continue to swallow mine to keep you from being hurt; it hurts me to much and that hurt threatens to overwhelm me and kill me.

this family as a whole has such discord and all i ever wanted was harmony. it was my dream. it was the dream that kept me going when i just wanted to slit my wrists. i thought one day we would be close and the family would be close. but things have gotten worse and worse. then i thought that i would have my own family and create that safe harmonious enviornment. and you see were my desperate attempts got me.

and now i am 36. physically and emotionally too worn and scarred to make that dream a reality. i realized it while at the hospital. it was why my stay had to be extended. in the end i gave them the answers they wanted to hear so that i could be released. but my hope is gone. that was it. everything else was a dream used to pass the time until the big one came along.

i can accept that i won't ever get my dream. even if it was right in front of me i don't think i would reach out for it for fear that i would somehow taint it or break it. but i'm not going to sit here in this mockery of my dream. That hurts too much and causes me to lash out and hurt people too much.

ok that's all i've got for now.