since we last met

• i gave my T a copy of the post "Dear Mr. Therapist Man." Actually I gave him my blog address because it hadn't printed and I wanted him to understand why I didn't want him pulling up a bunch of stuff from my past so he would just stop. so he went to the blog and printed it. but the blog was still on his screen when i left and you know what? I'm ok with that. i don't care if he reads or not. i just don't care.
  
• i went to the probate hearing for my dad's estate. took 7 minutes. there was a police officer in the room for the hearing (not a usual happening). when we had finished and were eating breakfast, my step-mom admitted that she had requested security unsure of what I might do to the dissenting siblings whom I might add didn't even show up.
• while on this trip, older half sibs grandmother dies. the kicker is she became unresponsive 2 days before my older sister left to come to my house via bus (8 hours). had one of them bothered telling her she wouldn't have come. but she doesn't find out until she gets to my house and then has to struggle with whether to go back or continue on. she decides to continue on. grandmother passes and none of her sibs decide to try to contact her; they contact the brother no one is speaking to, but not her. she is so hurt. the sobs she made ripped a hole in my soul.
• in the mean time i find out some more info about my mother and my parents and my birth and my name and my childhood. and i see my mother do her magic of turning on the warm and caring version for everyone but me. i'm still trying to suppress the tears from that one. i haven't mentioned it to her that i know. she has got to figure that my oldest sis would have mentioned it to me. but she's got her head in the sand and i am leaving it there. but she has become nothing more than the crotch i crawled out of. i don't feel a need to stay here to take care of her. i don't think i can manage to have her anywhere near me. i can't even manage to muster a "smile" on the phone.
  
• lil bro and i get into fight as i tell him he is shifty and question him about breaking into cabinet that had dad's jewelry. he denies it (but there were only 3 people in the house - step mom, autistic nephew and him who had conveniently begun asking about dad's jewelry right after dad died (think within an hour)) everything i have done to try to be there for him and he says to me in regards to his wedding which i was not invited to nor informed of nor ever told his wife's name "i dind't think you'd care."

so it all cemented that i plan on disappearing after spring semester. the sadness that has overwhelmed me in the last day and a half was intense and i knew it couldn't be just all of this crap because it is just a different flavor of the same old same old.

I was able to clarify for T that I am not "sleeping" during the time i report being asleep but rather daydreaming or fantasizing. i spend all of my time alone being in another life. it's why i'm always behind. i don't procrastinate, i don't run out of time - there is no time left in MY life, my other lives take it all up. if i stayed here in my life i would implode.

with that revelation comes a whole lot of lifestyle changes that I realize I will have to make to be successful with the least amount of stress. No more teaching or other jobs that would require taking work home. Retail, food service, customer service. a co-worker/friend kept telling me i would hate being the greeter at walmart and she so doesn't get it. only my body would be there.