passivity

that's the word the T used.

therapy has gone back to just another he probes and i fill in the blanks about all the horrible things that have happened to me session. it's a $60 bitch and moan session I have to drive 45 minutes each way for. it's not even cathartic to get it off my chest anymore. i hate expressing my self in that room. more and more i don't trust my own interpretation of events. everything in that room gets twisted around to somehow be wrong - an irrational belief or some other symptom of mental illness. i don't feel safe there anymore. i always feel on guard; i am constantly defending myself or battling for my "reality". i save up my xanax to take before and after therapy.

this entire 3 months has been such a waste. i am back to where i started. actually i ma 2 steps behind. i ahve no sick or vacation days. i need 15 hours of sleep a day to be able to wake up the next day and not feel tired as soon as i am upright. i am under more scrutiny by everyone else and by myself (and i don't do well under sscrutiny). emotionally i am as torn down if not a bit worse. i still feel hopeless & am quickly feeling overwhelmed. i think the suicidal ideation is not far off.

what the 3 month stint in the hospital taught me is that i will only ever be a fraction of who i was and i will just have to suck that up. but in doing that, i have to give up a lot of my life, including my independence because i can't afford this lifestyle. i can't keep working multiple jobs and needing the amount of sleep i do. i can't work the high stress jobs that would pay what i make at my combined jobs. THAT IS THE REALITY.

so when i said i would need to move back in with my mother, the T wondered how i would live with a woman i did not like. he does not seem to see that there are few feasible options. i can't live with a room mate. there is too much stress in trying to be ok at home and outside. with my mom, i return to life as it was - i retreat to my room and live in my fantasy world until it is time to leave. that would essentially cut my bills in half. & then there is only student loans to deal with.

i'm hoping my mom will agree to move somewhere new with me. just a fresh start where no one knows me. where stepping down to a lower level job won't be such a shame for either of us to bear.

actually who am i kidding. i won't do that