it's not that i mind them asking, it's that i'm not really going to answer them truthfully and they should know that so it's not real point in them asking. we should all just go back to pretending i am sane but a little eccentric now.
i guess the truth is as far as they know i am ok. i am settling back into the person they knew. unfortunately i am just realizing how messed up she was in ways i just didn't catch on to.
ah well.
i have begun cutting my hair rather uncontrollably again. i sit and just pull and pull at pieces of it. then get up and go for a pair of scissors.
i want to quit therapy. it's not going to get me anywhere and it's an expense i could do without. but i'm scared to tell my therapist. i know i need to be there and i know it is a cop out but i also know i am not going to do the work to change because doing it makes it difficult for me to function in my life. right now i have to be about making money and finding a good job and a career path. that's it.
nothing else.
3 comments:
sending much chix cacciatore love your way. I think about you all the time and wanted to say I love you!
XO
Joney
Do you honestly think that your T is not helping you? Can you talk to your T and ask whether you are making any progress? Sometimes being depressed makes us see things in black and we cannot see that we have made progress even if we have. From time to time, particularly when I am despondent, I ask my T if she thinks I am making progress, even small steps. Her reasurance that I am, makes me feel slightly better, even if I don't think I am making progress. Sometimes we have to trust that others can see our situations better than we can ourselves.
Hang in there. Don't give up. I know it's tough. But it wont always be like this.
Joney--
THXS chica. think about u too! & ditto on the luv ya!
PB -
it's not that i don't think i am making progress. i think i have many realizations about myself. but as far as being able to apply them in anyway that makes a big enough change to really make a dent in the large issues in my life NO.
as the insights pile up, i just get more depressed now because it is like the demon gets bigger. i just know that right NOW given the resources -emotionally, physically, financially, and time-wise - that i have, i can't mount the necessary battle to make a dent.
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