slowly

so i'll be leaving for work soon. i slept poorly. woke up with a headache. and now i'm crying. it should be a great day.

last night i did something stupid. i called cmh. i just wanted to hear his voice. just wanted to lose myself in that fantasy that he and i would end up together one day and it would all be ok; just wanted a reason to keep going.

but that quiet voice of reason whispered as i was falling asleep. it told me what i knew awhile ago deep inside. he doesn't really get this side of me. and he never could. he gets that girl i created to try to get him to like me. except he doesn't really get that she is fake. or he figures i have faked her so long she should be real to me by now.

i suddenly felt so alone this morning.

i keep telling myself that when the lamictal gets to 100mg everything will be better. another one of those lies to trick myself into holding on until i can think of a better lie to trick myself into holding on until i can think of a better lie to trick myself into holding on until i can think of a better lie to trick myself into holding on...