we had an argument last week. i told her i couldn't care less if i ever spoke to her again. she hung up and stopped calling me and i was rather relieved. she didn't realize i was serious. she is nothing more than space to me. there is no connection. i play the role of devoted daughter, but I really couldn't care less.
i learned long ago. even yesterday when my sister told me how much she cared about me, all i could do was stare at the screen. then i had to reach into the reserve and find an appropriate response. it's not that i don't care for her, but there are limits. and i guess it doesn't feel true because i could walk away at any moment and be ok. a necessary skill i learned as a child.
so mom sends this email with nothing but some cute thing i said as a child. it has nothing to do with anything. it isn't signed by her. i guess it is her way of testing the waters. but i'm not sure how i am supposed to respond. i don't really care to respond.
my mother is nothing but one big panic attack or rage attack for me. my grandparents are the only people i remember a sense of touch. i remember my grandmother's hand patting my leg as i went to sleep. i remember her humming. i remember her hugs and sitting on her lap even after i was way too big to sit on her lap. i remember sitting on my grandfather's lap and the feel of his 5 o'clock shadow tickling my face. i don't remember any of that from either of my parents.
she's content with the superficial connection. i'm tired of it. fuck nice, if i don't have something real to say, why say anything?
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