your best weapons used against you

i've always been good at arguing a point. mom used to say i should be a lawyer when i was a child. because i could begin arguing various instances and confuse even adults,shake their faith in their original belief.

i find myself trying to defend my depression. the arguments sound top notch to me. but in the end everyone seems to simply dismiss everything i say as "it's the disease." it's like i'm hallucinating. it makes me so unsure of every thought and feeling.

i am back to where i was in the hospital, right before she told me i should be put on locked ward for a few days. and there is this anger and resentment at everyone because no one will try to see my points as valid.

But i get it. dr's and nurses & therapists would have a lot less business. my support network of people who is made up of people as damaged as myself would begin to fall like dominoes.

i have so quickly fallen back into my borderline ways. luckily they are only in my mind. luckily there is no life outside my imagination. except i am afraid that i will slip up.

and every time i take these pills i feel like such a hypocrite. i don't believe in life support. i don't believe in excessive medical intervention to keep myself alive. and right now i have to take pills to wake myself up and get myself to go to sleep. everyday. even on days i go to bed early. i can't control basic body functions like wakeup, go to sleep.

and there is this trap. you don't want to hurt people you care about & you know they won't get why you just let go. so i keep hoping for cancer or some other horribleness. something that can be seen on the xray or measured in a tube of blood or urine. i keep doing things that i hope in someways will damage my health and allow me to make a nice graceful acceptable exit. a nice compromise. quiet stealthy suicide.