finding the strength

i've been reading a lot about auto immune disorders lately. namely because many of my half siblings have them and if you look at my dad's medical records and the comments he always made about how he never quite neatly fit into any dr's diagnosis you begin to see what might be a a pattern. i say "might" quietly and hesitantly.

i know that i need to make an appointment to see a rheumatologist and get these ruled in or out. there are 2 staring me very much in the face which bring together many of the rather inexplicable symptoms over time, Lupus and possibly Scelroderma.

it would explain the

• night sweats
• fever
  
• cold fingers & toes
• tingling in fingers and toes
• rapid heart beat
• chest pain during deep breaths
• neurological episodes including seizure-like activity
  
• nasal ulcers
• fatigue
• the bruising which may indicate a blood clotting problem
• skin rashes
• ankle swelling
• hardening darkening skin on my knuckles
• the fact that my fingers which have the knuckles effected have begun to be held in a rather odd curled position.

except i'm paranoid now. or desperate for an answer. whichever. i can't get my "hopes" up. because as you read more you find that even having an answer still doesn't mean having a cure. and i read about the treatments and realize that most are just patches.

i think in some ways i kind of hope that it is also because lupus has the potential to be fatal. and i already know that there are some treatments i would just refuse. and i already know from my readings that if this is what i am suffering from, i have already probably already had significant damage to organs particularly the heart and kidneys.

i have been fantasizing about the dr. telling me i only have 12 months to live and the relief at hearing those words. odd that the desperate fantasies of someone to love me and validate me have been replaced with the rather calming and peaceful fantasies if what that last year would be like.

I'd apply for disability (being terminally ill should be a disability no?) and take art classes at a ridiculous pace trying to finish a mfa thesis on being terminally ill before being terminal. creating the last few pieces from my bed.

the last few months i decided that i would not allow a bunch of friends and family to visit dragging me down with their sad looks. i'd spend my days watching tv, reading if i could or listening to audio books and day dreaming and sleeping, doing some crafting or something.

and for my exit, i'd have put up an ebay auction for my ashes. for free. but you must have a great places to release your bit. some place i'd love to be for some reason. send me a video, a pictorial essay, a story, a poem about the place a drawing, whatever. but winners will get a spoonful of my ashes.

you don't have to tell me that i am passively suicidal. i know. i have always been. the thoughts of dying have always brought me comfort. i get to tell them all "i told you so" if i die of a disease.