i'm struggling.

even putting down the words honestly here is hard. i'm not sure if it is because i want to hold on to my delusion or i don't want to admit to you guys that i am back at that point again. i don't want to hear those preachy words that it is all in my head, it's the disease right now. i'm angry and hurt and tired and depressed and so much more.

and i'm tired of it.

unlike most people this is when i get still. i'm always afraid that when i go out trying to do something to distract myself from the depression, i end up rushing into something very typical of borderlines that ends up putting me in a worse place later on down the line.

but i do want to make one big break out move. just move away and start again. remake myself. someplace where people would not expect more of me than to be the walmart greeter and would be ok with it. if i din't talk for days no one would want to know what was wrong.