know thyself

when i went to my dr. to insist that we try the provigil i told him quite frankly i wasn't tired because i was depressed. i was depressed because i was tired, so very damn tired.

i have suspected for a long time that i have chronic fatigue, but because i have a mental health history it will be impossible to get a diagnosis of CFS, as if i can't possibly have both diseases.

but the fatigue periods are getting worse. almost unbearable. my memory is beginning to fail me. i can't concentrate and the act of waking up and going to the bathroom makes me so tired that i need to lie down again. i ahve come ot fear the exhaustion so much that i just get in the bed to avoid the onset.

so i am becoming rather agoraphobic again. coming home and not leaving my bed unless i really have to. i ahve a neighbor who really likes my dog. i think i am going to ask her if she would like to have her. it's not fair to my sweetie, the nights i could barely raise me head and i knew she would pee in the house. she deserves more walks and games of ball. sucks -- seems she went from one f*ed up crazy lady to another.

i should have applied for permanent disability when i had the chance. i knew i wasn't up to going back to life, but i didn't want to admit it. i didn't want to have to explain to people. i just want to go off somewhere fresh where no one will know that when i leave my pt time job and say i am going to my full time job or going to school where i am pursuing my PhD or freelancing that it is all one big lie.