too much info on the internet can be dangerous sometimes. & i am trying not to put too much into thinking i have CFS. it does rather make sense of some weird symptoms i had over time; still leaves a few unexplained. and ofcourse i just got an email from my half sister who insists that she thinks i have lupus because i have 2 other half sisters with it and this is how they started. there does seem to be a clear indicator of some genetic marker which passes down an auto-immune disorder to all of my dad's kids.
my life is going to quietly close down to nothing to accommodate symptoms i can't predict when they will come but know they will and can't really control. i can fight the irrational thinking and the sadness. i can't make myself think i am not tired when i am.
but there will never be an answer. the puzzle gets more and more complicated. which symptoms go to which disease? which are just figments of my f*ed up imagination? which can't exist because my health insurance company doesn't want to pay for them? and i just can't be bothered because my Primary care dr. just left her practice. and i dont want to find another in the middle of this huge rather invisible medical crisis. so i'll just sit and wait for mind or body to crack beyond repair so i can just laugh and say "i told you something was wrong." then wave my "do not resucitate" and send them on their way.
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