all bow down before effexor

ok well maybe just me.

it was that drug that saved me from the locked ward in the hospital. and once again it has done its wonder. i'm sad but i am not depressed. i'm still tired and i still want to die but i don't ache for it, long for it. its just that quiet whisper that has been there for years, the one i have learned to ignore with loud music and make pretend lives.

but now i am at that stuck me. the one locked in the glass box. all of her own worst habits fueled by one thing when it boils down to it--fear, are all at the surface. and of course the obvious answer would be to attack them in therapy even some kind of practical therapy but the issues behind the things like procrastination and binge eating are so deep rooted and for reasons i've said before, trying to delve into those in therapy would undo me and from that i am not sure i could return in a very practical sense.

so then the anxiety begins to eek up. and you begin to wonder which one of your demons you preferred to dance with. the depression blotted out everything else. just one thing to focus on--the sadness which fueled the desire to die; a nice slow mellow dance as it holds you close and whispers in your ear drowning out the rest of the world. you don't even notice the music has stopped playing. the anxiety, well it just flings you all around the floor to and fro threatening to make your last meal come up. it is invigorating at first and then rather dizzying. and you just hope it doesn't start trying to dip or flip you.

i'm sure some of it is i finally cut back on some of my stuff. i walked away from a teaching job despite the fact that teaching is my luv. too stressful with my fulltime job.

now if i could just get my family to stop needing me. if i could just stop myself from running to fulfill people's needs to validate my existence. save this person, rescue this person, fix it for this person. here's the awful awful truth.

not one of the people in the circle will ever be in a position to do something of equal physical or monetary worth. i'm not saying it should be tit for tat. but the things they need can sometimes be draining. and none of them can do something, take something back to relieve that drain. and some of them think it is solely some one else in the circle who is draining me. but i won't stop because some have no other option. i will TRY to set limits where limits can be set. but it still can be too much for me.