what a fight

the fighters stand toe to toe and go blow for blow.

for each bit of decent moments in life, the depression swings back and cocks me with a left

my sister came. i was happy to see her. until on the way to drive to her hometown 4 hours away she wanted to stop off to see an old friend who happens to be in love with her. I liked meeting the guy because truthfully, i hope that knowing that there is someone out there decent who cares for her so deeply, even if he lives on the other side of the country will make my sister stick to her guns and end her emotionally draining/emotionally abusive marriage.

but it made me so raather jealous/angry that there are always it seems a line of men who want to profess how much they love her. Guys who were just her friend when she was younger wanted to be with her and she didn't feel the same. i can't get 1 decent sounding guy (or girl).

and then we get to her old hometown and her son comes walking in. it freaks me out becasue he thought at first glance i was his mom (everyone says we look alike). When he told me that and then kept remarking on everything about his mom that i was the same in (our laff for example) it burned into my mind. So everytime i have been falling asleep i have dreamt of what would have been my 1st child (who remarkably would have been about 1 year younger than my sister's son - and i'm one year younger than my sister). i dream of my nephew walking into the room calling out mom, but he is calling me.

seeing my nephew whom i haven't seen in like 5 years and how handsome and tall he has gotten made me wonder what my child would look like, be like. My nephew for awhile had us wondering if he would even graduate high school. but he did and is going off to college. he is a good kid--no drugs, no kids, no jail time. my mind just gets lost wondering... and then the tears start.

so even though we had been driving all day, i pulled out late that night to head home knowing i could not stay awake. but i couldn't stay. i needed to cry and i didn't want to spoil my sister's moment. So i drove to the first rest stop and pulled in and cried and slept. I did that for every rest stop for 250 miles.

It took me 6 hours to get home.

i got home to a still broken a/c that the maintenance guys hadn't even bothered to look at while i was gone. i had to call in late for work to figure out what to do with the dog and get the rental company to handle the situation with the a/c.

i get to work and get the lecture about my attendance and low work completion compared to everyone else. and all i could do is hold my breath because breathing would make me cry. should have just left the dog in the hot apartment and went to work. or left her in the car. or just driven past the spca and kicked her out of the moving car. my boss says it is always something in my life. she doesn't get it's because i'm about as strong as a wet paper bag right now. you can't even carry 1 egg in it without risking everything falling apart.