lost another father

this one not biological but as dear to me as my dad in ways. i haven't known him that long and he doesn't know me that well. We went to lunch before he baptized me about 1.5 years ago but he didn't ask for all the darkness of my soul to be poured out. i was glad about that. Actually i said to him I want to be baptized, he said let's do lunch, we did lunch, and next thing I know he was saying, hey how about in a few weeks.

i have never trusted churches or clergy. this man, well he walks what he preaches. and he does not change. even today he told us to not let the church push us around as we look for a new rector. what a final sermon.

i was ok. it was all one big party in his honor until i read in the bulletin the portion where he turns over the gospel book, keys etc. the tears started rolling. the rest of the afternoon all i wanted to do was cry and hide.

he has invited me into his house. no scratch that his family because when he opens his doors to you they just suck you in. It is hard to not love them (all of them, wife daughters) and i feel like they were just rather ex-communicated. they can't come to church or church functions. it's like a break up--it needs to be clean and complete.

and nothing changes. they still live less than a mile from me. but you realize today how many people love them and how long the line to be with them is and truthfully, i'm not going to show up at their home every week. But seeing them in church was kind of like that. and i feel like that was ripped from me.

and i'm am rather afraid that we won't find someone i feel like i can put my faith in. and that frightens me. i know that what little faith i have is ONE of the few reasons i made it thru my dark moment. it helped make me strong enough to say "enough. i have to take medical leave and be hospitalized."

families i'm used to losing. people in my life come and go with an emphasis on the go. i guess this one stings because i didn't see it coming. i had begun to get comfortable. But i have expanded my circle of friends at church which is a struggle for me. i have gotten to know them and am letting people get to know me (or atleast my mask).

i just don't like change.

another friend who is also a retired priest who is going thru an incredible medical ordeal came to the celebration. Cancer has now taken his eye. and all i wanted to know was how he could still have faith.

i din't ask because i was afraid that maybe he didn't and was just faking it.