at odds with myself

i upped my effexor after checking the maximum dose online. my pdoc is usually ok with it as long as i follow prescribed dosages and it is not some radical dose increase and i am not increasing some med with the potential for abuse.

anyway i feel a little lighter but still tired as crap, drained and rather sad about the fact that this is rather destroying my potential. but i wonder how much of it is really an underlying depression. like i am unhappy about the condition of my house so after i walk the dogs and come home i feel tired. i am unhappy at work so i feel tired there. other places i manage to put on the mask and go on adrenaline (and caffeine and sugar but mainly adrenaline)

is this some form of response to panic where i simply shut down to protect myself? i always said sleep was my defense from my severe depression and the possibility that i might hurt myself or someone else. when i lived with my mom and i was basically undiagnosed and out of control i stayed in my room and daydreamed or slept when i didn't have to be at work or somewhere else. it kept my mother safe from me. it kept me safe from me.

so maybe now this is just my learned response. i feel overwhelmed by life if it involves any kind of thought or planning on my part or the possibility of being judged or evaluated so i just begin the shut down process.

i'm willing to consider that this could be it. the web of issues is so complicated i don't know where to start or how to start without my entire life unraveling. i just keep hearing my last T's words that it was going to get worse [than the partial hospitalization] before it got better.

i don't think that i would survive that. i don't think that that kind of therapy will work if you don't have a support network that is there with you to reinforce the message constantly; it is too easy to forget the words between sessions, too easy to twist them. i don't think it works if you don't have something you are fighting to get better for. and i don't think it will work if you don't have to support of someone to handle life for you while you take a time out--bills don't stop, money still needs to be made, health insurance still needs to be gotten yada yada yada.