i broke my own rule

and i'm going to pay for it.

there is a reason my groups of friends never meet and cross. and there is a reason none of them exist where i live.

but i made the mistake of bonding with some neighbors and so life at home has become more like a bad episode of friends except my cast mates are 40, 66 & 84.

the 40 something wasn't speaking to me because i said i didn't like the style of hair cut her dog was going to get. i made a joke about it and probably kept hammering it in a bit too much. We moved past that and then i was upset with her because she told 2 people that i said i was interested in one of our neighbors who would be at this picnic. i told her right then and there i was pissed of at her for opening her big mouth. she kept saying she was sorry but making excuses for why i shouldn't be mad as if i didn't have a right to be a bit embarrassed. She knows despite my outgoing exterior that in social situations involving possible date-like scenarios with the opposite sex i freeze-up. one person she blabbed in front of is a big mouth and the other i don't know if he will tell the guy. i fucking had to control myself to keep myself from freaking and just leaving so that everyone else would not know how bad my anxiety is/was. i was paranoid the entire evening about what might have been said to the interest and what might not have been said. especially since once i saw him closer up i wasn;t so sure i was still interested (still handsome but a bit older than i had expected--he's my mom's age). And there are all of these other issues like being crazy that need to be worked out.

so she just called me and said i made her feel uncomfortable by telling her repeatedly out loud at the party i was mad at her for blabbing and she wanted to step back from the friendship. i said ok after pointing out that i have allowed her to handle things her way and react her way and accepted it even if i don't like it or think it is appropriate, but she does not give me the same courtesy so if she as she has a problem with it i guess she will have to decide what to do about that. then she tried to chit chat and i really wanted to just hang up in her ear. luckily it only lasted for a sentence or two.

so now she'll want to avoid me and i have to oblige her which is hard because my dog loves her. But i don't want to be forced into fake convo or that petty stilted convo so i will just restrain my dog. the good thing is my dog loves anyone who pays her attention and there are a few people around the complex who have taken to her so i just have to make sure i run into them more often.

i just want to go back to the days when i was a hermit and no one knew me.