trapped in my skull

that's how i felt yesterday (& how i feel today). i feel like someone folded me up and forced me into my own skull and it is a tight suffocating fit.

and yet i think yesterday was better than the day before that.

i managed to not be sleepy most of the day at work. The only problem is I can't remember if i took my meds so i don't know if it was zero dosage or the lowered dosage which made it work. (Yes Banjk, I will try to remember to set up one of the many pill boxes I have so that I can see at a glance if i missed the med or not.) I did however lower the dose of the topamax from 100 to 50. My head hurts but I was awake so I'll take it I guess.

It is odd the trade off you make though. I was awake but on EDGE. every sound, every physical sensation, every time the light shifted because someone walked by, when the air current changed -- it all made me want to rage. Mainly I think because my jaw is tense and my head hurts. But i can't take any OTC tylenol or such because of the nausea; the idea of swallowing is more than I can fathom right now.

so i am trying to "do something, anything," except something that would be harmful.

i can glimpse how i could become one of the many mentally ill people living on the street.

the pain of the disease, the pain of treatment. I just want to withdraw, retreat. cease without dying.

sometimes i think the strain of trying to remain within the lines is what bruises my soul the worse.