a wish

when my dad's estate is settled, i'd like to take the money and travel to barbados and release his ashes--a kind of peaceful homecoming. i'd like to take the picture of his parents, the only one i've ever seen of both and have it blown up nicely and then burned to mix in his ashes so that they can go home with him.

i believe my dad killed himself. i believe he just could not take the turmoil inside him and outside him anymore. i believe he could not find a place he felt like he could fit. i don't think he could make peace with his past. i think he was passive-aggressively suicidal and he just decided to stop his meds and be done with it.

may the souls of the departed rest in peace

my dad and i are so much alike in our ability to tolerate the world and people. i've come a long way from where he was. i can see much of what i have done to contribute to my current hell. i can see how other people may have placed me in this hell but i see that I keep myself here.

or maybe my dad did recognize that. maybe that's what drove him in the end. he knew he would never let himself out of hell, so why stay? his broken body jailing an even more broken soul.