eenie meenie minee fucking moe

so i'm reading. i guess hoping top find an answer. except all i keep finding are more pits to throw myself into.

i guess it is true when i was depressed i only read what i wanted to read about the meds. i don't know how i missed what i am reading now. or maybe i just discounted it. it slipped my mind that i am murphy's bitch.

these meds are like a game of russian roulette when you read the data. 1/2 the people report that the drug is activating so they have to take it in the am. 1/2 report it is sedating so they have to take it at night.

so i am slowly beginning the descent into what i guess will be my darkest hour. i have to slowly withdraw the meds, get thru the withdrawal and see which might be causing the symptoms or if they might be cumalitive responses.

even worse is i am losing faith in the medical professional's ability to help me - not because they can't find the right pill, but because the pills they have given me may have done more damage than i realize. or else i am paranoid or looking to throw the gods from their altar in typical borderline style.

but i've adjusted the dr's plan a bit.

first to go will be the topamax. i hope it may be the cause of the holes in my memory. i don't remember having them this severe before the hospital. and i've been reading up on some studies in which it is a major complaint about the med. and funny how a migraine med can cause headaches according to documentation.

and then the effexor. i think part of wht they did when they increased my dose rapidly in the hospital was put me close to serotonin syndrome. i looked at the lists of meds which in combo can increase the risk and i think i was wandering around for a good portion of time in abortive serotonin syndrome.

it seems that i may be particularly susceptible to serotonin syndrome because of the long term sometimes rather high dose prozac treatment i was on.

i used to hail the practice of polypharmacology. now... well i am beginning to wonder. with each drug they add to the regimin, it feels like i have one loaded pistol for each med pointed at my head to play russian roulette with. The obvious answer would be to pull out the last one which caused the problem. but that doesn't take into account which med may address which issue the best, interact the least further down the line with other choices and which side effects are going to be the most tolerable.

i am in some ways regretting treatment. the hell you know is sometimes better than one you don't kind of thing.