all the thrill of a bungee jump without the spring back up

mood wise i took a flying leap off a bridge. the fall was rapid. someone replaced the bungee with rope. and moved the bottom up several hundred feet. so rather than a nice bounce back all I got was a thud at the bottom.

i feel bad because i ruined my bday for my mom. i ended up screaming at her that the last year was so not worth it and i might as well have just died last year. that i struggled and struggled to end up right back where i started. but the load i carry is lighter because atleast i dropped that bag full of hope i was carrying.

the jobs i had hoped to apply for seem to be slowly falling apart before my eyes. and i am falling apart at work again. i have got to find a job i like PRONTO because it is the only thing i have in my life.

i should probably be popping xanax like tic tacs every 4 hours because this is angry depressed. the kind where the rage builds up and i could probably in a moment do something rash. and xanax is all i have left. it's short lived so hopefully it won't totally fuck me over physically hell it might even help bring my BP down.