failing grade

it seems i did not learn many of the lessons in the hospital well. i still am not saying "no." and this weekend it seems i have booked every moment of my time with no time for myself to accomplish my own tasks. so then i don't rest well, either because i try to deny my body rest to get it all done or because my mind won't rest even when i quit.

i just woke up more tired then when i went to sleep. I was in bed by 10pm. I was so tired i just dropped down. Most nights I don't even eat or undress, but I made myself eat because I was so tired of waking up nauseous.

my boss said to me the other day that I seemed to be in a better place. I told her "no" i just care less now about survival so there is no pressure. i've made my peace with whatever the end is.

i NEED to move away and start again. it may be the best chance I have at survival and a decent enough life.

i was so depressed earlier this week when i began looking up treatment for borderline PD. I found some very interesting residential programs which I think would really help. but let's see, initial period is 6 weeks at almost $1,000/day. and then as a partial program $200+/day for a year or so. That's over $100,000 for treatment for 1 year. But that is a bargain, because the private hospital has what it bills as a retreat for $1800/day for 20 day minimum and up to 180 days. $162,000 for the 90 day stay. Oh and they don't take insurance and payment is due upfront. WHAT FUCKING POINT IS TREATMENT PRICED OUT OF MOST PEOPLE'S RANGE? My only long term option is a state facility where I somehow don't think i'll get the same range of services. Especially since the larger one is where they house those mentally not competent to stand trial.

friends keep telling me i need to try to keep my job but the truth is, i'd have better access to a wider range of services if i was unemployed and had no insurance. no one seems to care that i need some long term care to remain functional. or maybe there are options but i am unwilling to see them because they don't seem to fit or would be too hard. maybe i don't want to get better.

actually i have come up with a plan. If i get a job on the night shift from 11-7, i could afford to pay for my own care in a partial program (not the swanky one) and then I couldn't be discharged based on insurance but when the team really thinks i should go. and the truth of that matter is I could give up my apartment and just sleep in my car since "school" gets out at 4:30 and i have to be at work by 11pm. It's not just financial but practical because i can get the most sleep by sleeping in the car.

wait actually let's see. I if work 11-7 and am home and ready for bed by 8:30am, sleep until 2:30 and then get up and do chores until 6:30 and then back to bed for a nap until 9:30 and then back to work, might be able to keep it together.