i found pictures of my god kids on line. For those of you who are relatively new, my former best friend and I stopped speaking several years ago. I have not seen the kids since. she popped up awhile back with her typical drama and i declined to see the kids because i did not want it to be a "now you see me, now you don't thing (their mom uses them as emotional pawns when she is angry with you, denying their fathers, her grandmother and others the right to see the kids because she is angry). I had been gone for like 2 years at that point and they were moving out of state so I just felt like it was best to let it go. The friendship was incredibly unhealthy and was tearing me down mentally, physically, emotionally and eventually financially. It wasn't all her fault. Some of it was definitely my issues, but I tried to never be damaging towards the kids. but whatever.
based on some of the unconfirmed things I heard had happened to my former best friend and the kids my heart was rather broken at the thought of what the kids had gone thru. And I had always promised to be there to love them and protect them and I had failed.
losing them made me stop bonding with children. I stopped teaching young kids. I stopped being the fun playful adult. I keep lot's of distance between me and kids of friends. just too much baggage.
so as I do every so often i snoop around the internet for certain people and my former best friend is one. today i found pictures of the kids she has on a social networking site. They have gotten so big and are beautiful. They look happy. It looks like they have a beautiful place to live.
i want to cry but i don't really have the tears. i can't feel anything.
To my priceless wonders. I love you. I always have. I always will.
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