i'm lonely

this is what scares me - loneliness. I make some of my biggest mistakes based on this desire to feel connected. I eat to substitute for it. When it overwhelms me, I make bad relationship mistakes. When I fight it, it depresses me and makes coming home and remaining awake rather unbearable.


Intimate relationships are the one place I cannot keep my borderline behaviors in check so I avoid them at all costs. PERIOD.

Except every once in awhile after pretending to be ok for so long, I almost fool myself into believing I could be ok. It is also gets harder to avoid other people's efforts to hook me up or get me to go out. When it goes bad, everyone will know why even if they don't get why. They will see that raw spot in my soul exposed.

I'm tired. Really tired. In some ways I hope to get some horrible disease or medical condition. I figure it will either kill me, or the struggle will distract me from everything else. I am so tired.

I'm still not ready to admit defeat and ask for a change to my meds. I think I will add the seroquel back on a regular basis and hope for the best. If in 1 month when I see the pdoc it is not enough I will ask to bump up the cymbalta, ok? Now get off my back. (Because I know all of your worried, take care of yourself sentiments are coming -- it is who you are).