something changed

I don't know what happened. There was some shift. Suddenly I am acutely aware of all the things I have walled up in my pandora's box.

I'm not anxious about them, but I am sad. I'm sad that for stability I have to give up so much. I'm sad that my fear of losing my stability means I won't even try to address my fears. I have wrapped one issue around another to create this layered barrier between me and the world. i stay fat so that no one will want me so that I don't have to deal with the borderline anxieties a relationship will bring up.

i just want it to go away. go back into the recesses of my mind.