Life is ok. I'm ok. except as people expect that because my mood is ok that I will act "normal" life becomes more problematic. The true depths of it begin to show. I was annoyed this morning at having to do something for someone and felt so put out and out upon. and where my mind went was ... well ... dark.
and sometimes dark feels comfortable. and that is not good.
2 comments:
I wouldn't have considered the feeling of darkness as being a source of comfort, until I read what you wrote. It is a comfortable place, if only for its omnipresence in my life. It has been a constant, faithful and reliable.
But, isn't that the point? There is only comfort because it has always been there, not so much because it does anything good for me. Its almost like a pair of smelly shoes that I can't wash clean, but that they feel really familiar, even with holes and sharp parts.
The smelly shoes analogy is perfect - comfortable but causes other problems in areas of your life. How much are you willing to sacrifice for comfort?
I think it would not have hit such a nerve except this was more of an evil darkness rather than a depressed darkness. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. An uninformed EAP Dr. told me I could not be BPD because I was not mean. I wanted to laff because he had no idea how much energy it takes not to succumb to being mean. I've worked hard to leave that behind.
Post a Comment