What sucks more than being depressed again is the realization of how quickly I can get from A->B when it is truly a mind thing and not a medical thing.
THe meds I take I believe really do help maintain the medical issues my brain has in producing stuff and firing neurons, blah blah blah. I get that medical component to depression.
But this, the damage I do to myself with my own mind, I don't believe the pills can fight this. And that is scary because one wrong thought and whammo. I know, I know... i need to be back in therapy. I just don't have the time or want to. If I have dug these grooves in my soul with my fingernails for the last 39 years, how long would it take to repair? The repair work is not fun.
So today I am going to just try ot get the biggest thing off my plate. Sit and hyper-focus on it to lift some of the burden. Reminds me of an episode of Hawaii 5-0 where the girl was trapped under water and her lung was collapsing so having oxygen was not doing any good (like having meds right now is doing no good). They had to cut off her leg to get her out to be able to help her. I'm trying to cut off my leg to save myself. I promise to stop at my leg...
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