over the edge

i am not cut out for life. i've known this for awhile. but since i am not at the point of causing my own death, it's the option i have. funny that life makes me not want to live. What I mean is that fully living - remaining engaged & growing - puts me in a bd place. Simply existing, not really living, makes everything tolerable.

so i just need to find a life that I can handle. i know the chances of that are slim, that is should concentrate on becoming strong enough to handle life. i just can't knowingly throw myself into that pit. assuming that i came out on the other side I know it would be grand. but I'd have to walk thru some darkness first. been there. done that. so... no.

a nice closed cult is beginning to really be appealing. you keep the outside world away from me and i'll walk around and pretend to be into your banter and pick potatoes on our farm.

i begin to wonder just how much i can give up. i mean really, right now i work to pay my bills. i work so i can pay rent, utilities, insurance, healthcare. i don't do or have much else. i watch some tv (no cable) and do the internet. and truth be told, technology is not bringing me the joy and solace it used to. so i think i could give that up.

and all of the efforts for what? i have no kids, no legacy. my elderly neighbor that i helped care for passed 2 weeks ago. her funeral is saturday and constantly repeating to people that she had not blood family is tiring. her life will be mine, depending on the kindness of strangers, except that i will not allow myself to get that old and that broken bodied. i'm really hoping that all the things i have stacked against me health wise simply kill me "young."

sometimes you have these weird accidental glimpses into an alternate reality. i have a cold. so i got a heinous nose bleed. as i was trying to get something to stop the bleeding, my nose gushed large blobs of blood onto my wrist. i spent several minutes letting my nose bleed onto my wrist and imagining that that was life ebbing away and that in a few minutes i would be out of pain. sick i know. but it soothed me. not one of those things you can talk about in therapy unless you really trust your T.


this too will pass. and then come again. and then pass again. and then come again. and then .. well you get the picture. deja blue.