this morning i thought that my refusal to do anything about my health is the ultimate borderline manipulation.

i'm afraid that my pcp will call my pdoc and they will have me locked up for one reason or another.

i don't want to explain to people that I am happy to not be deeply depressed but the deep depression has robbed me of the ability to look forward to life so the potential loss of life really doesn't scare me or mean to much.

or perhaps i am afraid that i will care and i will want to live and will still die. and will suffer and dwindle on the way out to boot.