scared

i think i may have done it. my blood pressure is up - think go tot he ER, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars. and i have all of these symptoms that might indicate heart issues. and i am staring at the health train barreling at me and I just can't move.

I called the dr. i go tomorrow. but in the mean time I realize i may have fucked myself beyond all that is good. i know that now i am in high anxiety mode so ignore my ramblings.

but I ma thinking of all the things the dr. is going to say" lose weight, eat better, exercise..." and I still can't find the motivation for any of them.

i am laying in the bed waiting for the end. i used up all of my fight already. there is no more left.  and yet it seems life is has rung the bell ready for another round.