I've felt ill deep inside. not a physical thing mind you. i've been being more consistent with taking meds and even took seroquel to make sure i got some decent sleep.
I couldn't figure it out, this gnawing i had in my gut. then i realized it. mother's day was the holiday immediately after I had my ectopic pregnancy. 21 years ago. the memory barely still exists in my mind - it no longer plagues me daily, but the scar is still on my soul i guess.
i do hate mother's day. reminds me too much of what I lost, what i threw away, what i will never have. everything has been so long ago. people think you should let it go. so i keep it to myself. if life had been different i'd have a 21 year old and a 12 year old. but instead i'll die alone. it is for the best. but that doesn't mean it doesn't ache.
people walk around generically wishing every woman they see "happy mother's day," with no idea that they may be pushing a dagger into some woman's heart. I smile and say "no kids," and people try to cover the mistake by talking about my dogs. Last week at work someone mistook my weight gain for pregnancy. i sometimes wonder if that is why I stay fat and gain weight. perpetual pretend pregnancy.
ah well. i'll just go to sleep. in my dreams, all is well.
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