I need to find teh will to write again

i think purging would be good.

I'm struggling with my weight. I think part of the upset is I am trying to address my weight which means dealing with the main issue -- why am I stuck? See I go into therapy and therapist tell me I have a great grasp on my issues and the root of them. Except I still can't find the motivation to address them. I thought perhaps teh depression was just killing the motivation but during the time the depression was at its lowest I still would not. Perhaps now it is learned helplessness, learned victimhood. I think that is the power of the disease. Even when my mood is up, the automated subroutines it has helped create keep running. I know that CBT would be good except unless someone is following me around, once I am out of the therapy session, I'm not going to do it.

and I ma facing some realitites that I'd rather not.  My boss is leaving.  This woman let's me exist in my quirks without having to explain. If I don't feel like working in the office, I work from home -- no questions asked.  She doesn't micro-manage me.  I am worried about who I might get.

and my home is still in disarray.

and yesterday I knocked the entire open bottle of meds into the dog's water dish.

yup, that's the state of things.