so there has been this uncomfy situation which has opened up some deep wounds. here's the short version. "cousin" with infant was going to school and her mom was her daycare. her mom has mental breakdown. i stepped in and assisted with childcare to get cousin thru last 5 weeks of school to ensure she gets her degree.
having her baby with me, opened a bit of a pandora's box. but in the end i realized that while i wanted i wanted a baby, what i REALLY wanted was a family which in my mind was a mate and some kids. the lack of a mate who planned on sticking around in any committed to me kind of way is what made both of my pregnancies so scary.
now circumstances being what they are, i have been in my mind planning that I may need to become the guardian of my cousin's 2 kids. i could see myself raising them. i admitted to my mom that part of it was my desire now to be a mom and not be "alone." my mom very quickly burst my bubble telling me that i was in no position to raise kids.
i had to hangup on my mom. she has no idea that if she had just believed in me and had some semblance of a willingness to support me, i would not have had an abortion at 28. (i lost my first child but was planning to terminate that pregnancy as well for the same reason.) here's the kicker... my mom admits that she could not have raised me as a single mom without her village. yet she seems unwilling to be part of my village,. she is right -- i am in no position to raise a child. financially i can't do it. i would need her help. logically on paper it would not work, but women do it with less and they make it work. so why not me?
doesn't matter. she's right and i know it.
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